The Rain

                 Getaway...was a word that Naina often repeated in her mind, no matter what she was busy with. Not that she was bored with life or anything but she was the kind who liked to do what he/she loved, give it the name of a 'job', an answer to the mundane question people ask,'What do you do?'. Well those days she was raising her little one, this question posed serious threat-to herself sometimes though she knew what she was doing was right.The work involved with looking after an infant wasn't exactly what she loved to do...the tiny bundle was a joy though. She remembered once when she went to someone's house and they did not ask,'What do you do?' but 'Who looks after your child?', she was perplexed. So busy she had been raising her son (had accepted the fact that he deserved her 24/7, at least for few years and she just didn't have the heart to leave her baby in some stranger's (called baby sitter)  hand and go to 'work'). So she said,'Why? I look after my son, who else would?' It was only after some time, she remembered that people assumed, with the kind of education she had, that she would obviously be working, so the question.
                         Anyway that was years back, now she had a business of her own, and the son had grown, her husband a busy executive, life was going on. She had a conference to attend at Panchgani and she was looking forward to it. She was looking outside the window. It was raining...green spread all around, the Earth seemed to have gone crazy, sprouting anything and everything green as if she had suppressed a lot of things for a quite a long time and it just needed a drop from the Majestic Sky to bring forth innumerable things buried inside the brown crust. Well, both hands on the hips, she stared long at the showers that slanted, and vanished deep into the mud. The rains had always mesmerised her. Navin...a handsome guy in her college and the college tour....'Hey ! Naina sing us a song, they all shouted'. All her classmates were what she called 'Junglee'. Anyway before she could think of what to sing (she was blessed with a good voice and ofter sang in get togethers), someone started,'Rim jhim girey sawan...' Yup. it was raining outside and at first she thought someone was mocking her but the voice went on and got everyone spellbound till it finished. She as if on a cue sang 'Mausam hai aashiyana...' the old song from Meena kumari's film 'Paakiza' and once again everyone was quiet. Navin was the guy she learned, who sang and he clapped for her getting up from his place. Now what he did was spontaneous and she liked him instantly. The next two years were like they were partners in all cultural activites.
                          Strange but they never felt anything called 'love'. They shared mutual interests and both were busy in their lives involving their families and of course the career that they wanted to have. But everytime it rained, something stirred inside her especially when she was with him. And that day in the college canteen when they were having tea, with torrent pouring outside, both became silent after discussing something. The silence between them was soothing. They didn't need to explain anything to each other for being so. It was then Navin had taken her hand and clasped in his. It was wonderful. And he had asked,'Will you marry me?' 'The usual love story', she thought, would start and end up in marriage...like the scores she saw around. Was there more to life ? 'Naina', Navin's voice had broken her reverie. 'Well, Navin', she said,' The most obvious has happened finally. But you know what, our meeting each other w/o staying together is so beautiful. Marriage will spoil it. Can't we go on like this?' She knew it couldn't go on like this especially when Navin wasn't ready. They stuck nevertheless and moved in together after she convinced him. Life was good.
                            But her pregnancy had thrown her into introspection. She couldn't imagine her child w/o a father's name and well, they got married. 'Naina' shouted her husband,' We got to leave, the flight is at 3.' 'Oh ! why can't Navin become the guy he used to be ?, she thought'. 'I wish I could re-live the romantic experience once again, all over....' Well for now she rushed to the airport, waved 'bye byes' and took the window seat. She didn't prefer the aisle seat. Somehow she felt exposed, sitting next to the passage. The corner was always better and she could gaze out at eternity and think..random thoughts...She started fastening her seat belt when someone clasped her hand and she froze. Somehow the touch was soothing. She was never comfortable with strangers but who's this she thought and turned to look at a guy, who looked same as her age.'Excuse me', my hand. 'Oh ! sorry,' He said. 'Actually I felt a little giddy so held your hand. Sorry once again. Mallick, Shashank Mallick' and he extended his hand which she took and introduced herself too. 'Vertigo?' said she
'Yup' sometimes though, he replied. ' May I know something about yourself ? Can we talk?'
'God ! how long had it been since someone had posed this question so directly, i.e.someone who she wasn't familiar with?' she thought. 'Oh ! sure, I don't know what to speak about myself but I am a consultant (own a consulting business) at times, writer at other, a mom most of the time and well look after a home and a husband.' And you ?
'Same' he said. Only minus the looking after the house/spouse part.
After they had discussed their families which somehow appeared to legalise their conversation, to her, i.e. she felt secure about opening up to him. He was extremely courteous which impressed her. He appeared a 100 % family man but yet something was captivating about him...the way singles do..Was he like her ? Like she always felt deep down she was someone always 'Independant individual, owning herself completely' The mother/wife and other relationship labels aside, she was Naina, just plain Naina.
'What is your identity Naina?' he asked. I mean mom/wife etc. the way you said...'at times.' What do you feel as, most of the time?
She felt a knot in her stomach. Why should he ask such a question ? She didn't want to discuss herself with this stranger who appeared to be matching her wavelength. 'What is yours ?' You first tell me,' said Naina.
'I am Shashank. That's it. Like now  I am at most of the times, though performing the roles which family/occupation demands. But I feel more close to myself now, that I am alone, 1000s of ft above ground. What say ?
'Easily said and beautifully put.' said she.Same. I feel the same. No different.
Then silence. The same old silence which was not threatening. Her heartbeat speeded up. Why should she like this: the silence ?
'Can we stay in touch?' he said while fastening his seat belt as the giant was about to start the Landing process.
.'Yes ' she said. Anyway we have two days at the conference in Panchgani.
They both alighted and headed off to Panchgani from Mumbai. The journey had started...she anticipated few moments she could relive, but that's it. Then both would return home, where their responsibilities waited.

Frenzy

                         How many times would life inflict that emotion ? Was pain an emotion ?  'I mean not the physical pain, but that which causes discomfort...tumult', she thought. Not that she wasn't able to deal with it. Having walked three decades and five on this earth had given her wisdom enough to 'Think and then act'. But something had happened past week. She had been in the library for a long time, looking for some stuff for the ppt she intended to show the class scheduled on saturday. Exhausted, she dropped herself back on the swivel chair that accomodated Sarla, the librarian few hours ago. Everyone had left except herself. The staff knew about 'Madam's obsession with books. She had just closed her eyes when she felt something warm on her lips. Scared to wits, she woke up startled, ......to look at a face she had almost forgotten. Rohit, his shoulders bent and hands clasping the back of the chair, gave her a look that spoke millions....
                           'Rohit, I am not upto it. I am just not going to the roof of that snaking slide and forget about sliding all the way down on that float !!' shouted Radhika. Rohit had been urging her to go on the water slide knowing perfectly well that she was scared of heights. Both had met during one of those international workshops, Radhika's institution arranged every five years. They had gelled well of course. And on that day when a trip to the most famous Waterpark had been arranged, Radhika had no clue she would be sliding down in one of those ! Thanks to Rohit who coaxed her to climb and had pushed her, and within minutes the crazy ride ended with her being thrown into the water. She had discovered 'Fear' could be fun too. There was no looking back after that. Both would look forward to evenings when they would meet. They were mentally tuned. Absolutely at ease with each other. What had happened then ? He had been sent to the U.K. for an year. Somehow she hadn't been able to join. They were in touch everyday, He was excited about the life there. Missed her but there were plenty of things to do and so had preferred to stay back.
                           Radhika on the other hand was progressing too. She was the top HR trainer. She loved the variety of people she could have access to because of her job. Life was good. But...but she liked it crazy when she was with him. Wasn't ready to commit as yet. Neither was he. Very strange but their relationship had been platonic. He held her hands, hugged her.. that's it. She wouldn't make the move either. She was o.k. with this. No but not that day when she had felt intensly to be taken by him. The day before he left for Lincoln. He had come to say goodbye. She almost ran into his arms. He hugged her, looked into her eyes and then moved away to the window. She didn't know what to do because he didn't answer any of her questions and how could she....what would he think and she hadnt made the move. . And they had parted
                    This incidence would flash in a moment when she would be in a meeting or a party or was taking a walk with the girls. What went suddenly wrong when life would seem very promising ? She had no answers for the void that Rohit had left. He hadn't come even once after shifting. Well, but now here he was, in front of her in flesh and blood and what was that liplock meant to be ? He didn't give her time to think further and took her in his arms. They didn't speak through the long drive to his house. His one hand on the wheel, the other holding her. She had rested her head on his shoulders and didn't feel like speaking either.
                     The next morning brought her the reality of what she had done. To get physically involved before marriage, she couldn't digest the fact. She had fought the feeling many times before he left. What happened yesterday ? She was dazed. How could she feel happy about this ? Was it o.k. ? She came from a highly educated, cultured family. But somehow fulfilling the physical need with the person she loved to be with looked absolutely o.k. Was marriage necessary ? Rohit gave her that mischievous look and she sprang the question of marriage at him instead. He wanted her for life but like this, few days of separation and then moments of intense passion. She could not agree less. There was the thrill factor. But the agony remained
                           

The Getaway

                              The road looked to be going somewhere, not ending anywhere. I sat at the back of the Tavera. I loved to sit at the back all by myself, the view left by the vehicle and me was lovely to watch. It gave a feeling of moving ahead at the same time leaving things behind....fast (which didn't happen in day to day life... easily, that is 'the leaving part').
                           Strange, the women psyche clings to unwanted stories. I had graduated towards 'unclinging' but at times there were some silly things that I got stuck to. And then I took trips like this. The shining black/grey tar road sort of functioned the 'let go' phenomenon. I was big time into reading the 'Speaking tree' in the TOI, Khalil Gibran and othere philosophical things off late. Well, the song 'Bailamos' played which matched the mood. Enrique's voice was as usual mesmerising. I was there on the Dance Floor, grooving to the beats, each step matching the music. Heavenly ? My friend woke me up from my reverie and we both asked the driver to stop the vehicle.  Got down and seeing no one on the road did some crazy steps. We loved to do such  nutty things. '....it is like forever...tonight we dance, like no tomorrow...', the singer crooned. How true ? There's no tomorrow. We both agreed. and returned to our seats. The Spanish words did magic to the ears. Brought back memories of the song I sang in one of those 'Youth workshops', where after the Industrial visits, Mushroom projects, Fisheries etc. two hours in the evening was reserved for 'Entertainment/Talent Exposure'.Well I took the mike although a bit nervous and sang Madonna's 'La Isla Bonita'. Oh ! My ! Immediately attracted the attention of two guys who met later, to say 'You sing nice...have a good voice, diction etc.' One even proposed ! saying something like,'Hey ! I am two years your junior but I am ready to marry'. ??? Excuse Me ! Me and marriage ! I had exclaimed and anyway he didn't appeal to me. Not my taste at all.
                               Well.... few years laer, one more guy.......Hey this journey was getting interesting with my memory helping me to overcome the boredom. Well one more guy had got upset that I didn't accept the 'gift' he gave. Well, I was o.k. with his company although we had met for just three days but gift ?? Eek ! That was too personal. Hmm ! All the attention I got in my 20's, and post 20....well, was kind of sweet. 'Screech...' the vehicle took an abrupt stop which kind of upset my train of thoughts. It was irritating. Sally said,'Are you ok J ?'. For some reason she loved to call people by initials, may be she was lazy or crazy, could be both for sure.'Yup' I said and slid back into my 'hands crossed behind head" posture. Where was I ? Yes, the attention part.
                               Well, 'You, I met in my mid thirty's. You were (and are) a pain actually. I liked you (loved you) but I didn't want to adjust the way the usual lovers do. How boring to leave one's freedom ??? just because you love someone? No not me. Well actually I never told you that I loved you. You haven't said that too but somehow its like 'better left unsaid' status. Status...Isn't that word the social networking sites want to know about you every moment ? Well at times I feel like writing 'You' there in the 'What's on your mind'  section. How strange life can be, with us going on about our work till we meet after some time. Its painful actually to meet without letting each other know. "J, why don't you tell him?' Sally's voice booms all of a sudden from nowhere. And silly, how can she pry into my inner thinking like this ? Well not the first time though, so I have got used to it and I am o.k. with this one creature on earth, i.e. I can spend myself with her anytime, anywhere, anylong...'I don't want to', I tell my chum.
Why?
It will spoil the show Sally.
What show J ?
I mean this show that we both put on, of being normal people, normal dialogues, normal moments at the same time, our eyes communicating entirely different things.
Like what J ?
Oh ! you devil. I'll kill you. I won't tell that. That's mine. Completely mine. Won't disclose that to you for sure.
'Hopeless romantic', sighs Sally.
Actually not hopeless Sally, hopeful....of the day, time, space when we shall meet may be not. But there is hope that makes all this so beautiful. So let me get soaked in it, o.k. silly ?....And I doze off to my Utopia.









                 

Delusion

          Julia was sitting in the park. She had done an unusual thing today. She had cancelled all her appointments. She wanted an answer. An answer from herself. Not from him. It was getting crazier day by day. Perfectly normal days would get thrown out of gear everytime she was in his company. This was insanity. 'How can I get so emotional ?' she thought. This was not the first time....
                       She had met Ritchi (Richard) at Suzan's house. He was her cousin. It was the reapeated meetings with Suzan that she got acquainted with him more often. He was going steady, Suzan said. Julia couldn't care less. She had her own things she had to focus on. Life was good. One day at the party Ritchie hosted for his birthday, he did something that started all this 'feelings factory' as Julia liked to call that. He had invited her. She had come to like his unusual ideas about life, his child like enthusiasm on everything and he was likeable stuff. Plus he had a taste...'taste for the best in everything'. He could go to any length for example to get that perfect Brownie. So everyone consulted him when it came to food or getaways or just anything. Sometimes she felt he had the bug inside him that made him suggest 'the best' just about anything. He had read some of the things she wrote and liked them. He encouraged her too. One day on his birthday, when he had suggested to her about the best book to read, she was startled. 'I mean he could have suggested any book in the world but why this ?' Oh ! she loved books and to share the same book....Anyways he started talking about the protagonist and Julia wanted to stop him. He was very talkative and he went on airing his opinion. Sometimes whe wished he shut up. He wouldn't. He was cocky at times. Arrogant too. But he had the charisma to make people like him. She left the party disturbed. She had started to like him. She was afraid of herself. Days went by and she had met Elen his girlfriend too. Julia was surprised at his choice though.
                     She looked for the meaning of the word 'delusion'. Right. Believing things that were untrue with intensity that yes it is true. She had to stop herself from believing that she was in love with him and vice versa. She saw a squirrel struggling with a leaf. How simple life could be for this four legged-one tailed animal ? She couldn't do it i.e. stop herself from thinking about him. She had been busy last fifteen days thinking nothing but work work and work when she bumped into him yesterday and the mind started working overtime. How does one control emotions ? She was where she was because of her emotional involvement with her work. But he was all flesh and blood, not some abstract object. To get emotionally involved with him was not proving anything. She got up. She decided she would tell him she liked him. That's it. She called him.
'Hey Julia what's up ?' he asked. 'Nothing special Rich'. 'So what does our lady want to speak ?' 'You', she said. 'What ?' he asked. 'You. I love you. I had enough of this dilly dallying with myself Rich, I don't care what you think about me. I know you have Ellen but that doesn't change anything about what I feel about you.' There she felt so light as if she had the moral responsibility of saying those three words and she had done it. 'Julia, let's meet and talk.' He said. 'Wow' he didn't get upset or anything ! Wants to meet. What the heck ? I'll go prepared for his 'No'. All I wanted for him to know, I did. Rest doesn't matter. I'll take care. I can handle.' She was elated.

                        

The Letter

                    ....I shall wait for him. Do I deserve him ? His companionship ? Or is it the other way round ? Whether he deserves me ? Our eyes have met, locked with no feelings, many times. The moments we looked into each other were not at all uncomfortable. Silence spoke many times. He appreciated me in the past. We communicated-verbally, and eye to eye. Each of us made the other feel 'special'. And to some extent. We could go beyond. We didn't which's fine. I have a world of my own, he has his. We do not communicate much. Not the way we used to. Reason ? I told him, I felt for him. Though he didn't recede, he didn' t come closer either. I know he cares. Oh ! how much I want him to care. Its strange.we share the same land, breathe the same air, we meet often but when we meet we are farther apart. Its in his absence I feel his presence strongly. In a way I like it when I am not with him. I can have him much closer, at my will. I know I am selfish. I want all of him. I'll wait when I shall have him for  moments. And they will be frequent. I shall live a happy life, a fulfilled life. A solace to know that he owns me and I own him, in a way which the cosmos knows. Him, me and eternity. No one exists here. Utopia, one might say or some will say you both will get bored of each other. No, we are very much with people but what we share, the special place we have for each other, exists in a sweet mysterious way, a conspiracy, the universe shares.Sometimes its enough to know that he exists. I meet him in his own beingness. He does not know how often I meet him. Its a beautiful secret that I share with me. Its pain many times but I have endured. I shall wait...
                           Shashank read the letter. It had accidentally fallen off from her purse. She was in the kitchen, chatting with his sister. He wondered who this 'he' might be. And just when she came out with the coffee tray, their eyes met...in eternity and he knew it was for him. He was in a dilemma. How could anyone feel so strongly, he thought. He had never wanted to marry. He liked her company. He thought she was beautiful too. But that's it. He had plenty of other things to do. His regular Tennis sessions, his pals, the weekend booze party, the paragliding lessons he  was taking, his job, his writings, music...he loved music, played guitar at times. And then movies. Where was the time for the emotion called love ? But the words in the letter sort of bound him to her.  And she would wait ? Heck ! He hated to hurt someone and specially her. What did she mean 'own..'. How can anyone own ? Well its her feelings. But why should that bother him ? She knew his kind. Still she felt !! He felt like drawing her close and explaining what he was. But he didn't. Yes, she can wait. And he had to wati too, till he was clear about what was happening. How much of what he felt, was he comfortable with, did he really need that ? Companionship ? Now ? No these questions had to wait. He had no answer. Meanwhile he noticed the loose strand of hair slip through her forehead and onto her eyes and when she looked again, yes, he didn't see any  overt feelings. And they talked as usual and parted an hour later. Her phone rang and when she said,'Yes darling ! I am on my way...', his heart skipped a beat. He almost stopped her and asked who it was. She didn't answer, just looked at him as if searching for something in the depth of his eyes. She found nothing and she parted. He said,' I shall wait...'.

Hello !

                            'Hello !', shouted Nishita on the phone for the 3rd time, still no response. All the why's, how's where...surrounded her mind. Why wasn't he talking ? May be the lines were not working properly. She had sent lots of messages on the phone and mail as well. No response. Strange plight in this 'wired' world. You know someone is out there seconds away from responding but still they don't. Or they preferred not to. Its all the more frustrating. Not knowing the whereabouts  is one thing and bliss, she thought.
                     She sat down to introspect. There had been an arguement between them. Oh ! how much she missed him, Why didn't he understand ? Or may be like her friend said, he may not be interested...cool. Let him go to hell then, a voice said inside. Then she did the crazy thing of tearing the leaves of a twig that was lying nearby and murmuring 'He loves, he loves me not'. Hmm ! what an impact the Bollywood has ! Said another voice. She was sitting on the grass overlooking a stream that went through the campus. Bless the greenery in the University. It was peaceful, and romantic, one more voice added. Oh ! why can't the voices inside keep quiet ? She threw some stones in the water, watching the ripples they created. How far did the ripples go ? She thought of the time when Sahil had been furious about what she had said. They were arguing about a common friend's dilemma. The girl was a Muslim, the boy a Punjabi. Should they marry ? Should they live in ? Sahil got wild when Nishita suggested they should go for live in. She aired her views openely. She was different. Many people mistook her. Strangely that didn't bother her. She thought Sahil was unusual too. He wasn't like other guys i.e. at least he didn't sound like other guys when he spoke. There was something original about him and she wanted to believe what he said sometimes. So she was surprised about the way Sahil got up and said 'Let's stop this here'. Guys get old fashioned when the lady speaks out her mind !
                     Fine she thought, I am what I am. Let him come if he is o.k. with that otherwise, I better move forward. She had an offer to go to the U.S.  That was something she was looking forward to. She reached home to find the appointment letter and she felt she had touched the sky. She reached for her cell and dialled 'his' no. again. Dammit. She cut it off before the call could materialise. She was happy she was in control at least for the first time in her life. She won't call him she decided. The heart can be convinced yes. She put on her favorite music and started to pack stuff. The flight was for 15th Jan. A good New year start....

The Connect.

                     Leon looked at the waves splashing on the dark rocks that erupted one moment, and the other they were gone into the sand. Everything looks so pure, he mused...i.e. the darkness of the rock, the white milkiness of the waves, the pristine sand... Hmm ! This is heaven. He closed his eyes breathing in the water-rock-sand-wetness-dryness feeling inside. The waves one second made the sand wet, the other, they left it abruptly, as if deserting it, only to come back rushing again shamelessly. So were her thoughts...
                           He could see her at a distance. She was seated on a chair, crossing her legs, her face as usual in deep thoughts. But when she laughed, she did it with a full heart. She looked beautiful. The age didn't show on her. He liked her spirit. Could he ask her out ? What would she think ? Would she come ? And how could they go out together, alone..i.e. without their spouses ? Heck ! Why did he have to think so much to spend few quiet moments with the person he found interesting ? Well he got up and sat down next to her. Leon-'What's it that you are thinking Mel ?'
Mel-'Nothing much'. And you, what with the eyes closed and all...?
Leon-The waves...they confuse me....
Mel-Why ?
Leon-They don't stay, They move back and forth..
Mel-They are meant that way...
Leon-I want to hold them, for a while, experience them.
Mel-You can't.
Leon-Why ?
Mel-If you did, they would lose their charm.
Leon-But I would gain their charm, their spirit. I want it.
They went on like this for quite a long time. The kids were in the Disc. Pam was glued on to the T.V. and Ron was busy with his Laptop.
Leon-' Mel come on let's go for a drive and get some play stuff for the children'.
Mel-What about Pam and Ron ?
Leon-Ask them.
Neither Pam nor Ron was ready to join. So they both went. To the other part of the beach to watch the waves once again. She knew what was coming but strange didn't feel like stopping him. But she did anyway. He did too. Fatal Attraction ? It was good that at least they were close enough to enjoy each other to an extent.