Frenzy

                         How many times would life inflict that emotion ? Was pain an emotion ?  'I mean not the physical pain, but that which causes discomfort...tumult', she thought. Not that she wasn't able to deal with it. Having walked three decades and five on this earth had given her wisdom enough to 'Think and then act'. But something had happened past week. She had been in the library for a long time, looking for some stuff for the ppt she intended to show the class scheduled on saturday. Exhausted, she dropped herself back on the swivel chair that accomodated Sarla, the librarian few hours ago. Everyone had left except herself. The staff knew about 'Madam's obsession with books. She had just closed her eyes when she felt something warm on her lips. Scared to wits, she woke up startled, ......to look at a face she had almost forgotten. Rohit, his shoulders bent and hands clasping the back of the chair, gave her a look that spoke millions....
                           'Rohit, I am not upto it. I am just not going to the roof of that snaking slide and forget about sliding all the way down on that float !!' shouted Radhika. Rohit had been urging her to go on the water slide knowing perfectly well that she was scared of heights. Both had met during one of those international workshops, Radhika's institution arranged every five years. They had gelled well of course. And on that day when a trip to the most famous Waterpark had been arranged, Radhika had no clue she would be sliding down in one of those ! Thanks to Rohit who coaxed her to climb and had pushed her, and within minutes the crazy ride ended with her being thrown into the water. She had discovered 'Fear' could be fun too. There was no looking back after that. Both would look forward to evenings when they would meet. They were mentally tuned. Absolutely at ease with each other. What had happened then ? He had been sent to the U.K. for an year. Somehow she hadn't been able to join. They were in touch everyday, He was excited about the life there. Missed her but there were plenty of things to do and so had preferred to stay back.
                           Radhika on the other hand was progressing too. She was the top HR trainer. She loved the variety of people she could have access to because of her job. Life was good. But...but she liked it crazy when she was with him. Wasn't ready to commit as yet. Neither was he. Very strange but their relationship had been platonic. He held her hands, hugged her.. that's it. She wouldn't make the move either. She was o.k. with this. No but not that day when she had felt intensly to be taken by him. The day before he left for Lincoln. He had come to say goodbye. She almost ran into his arms. He hugged her, looked into her eyes and then moved away to the window. She didn't know what to do because he didn't answer any of her questions and how could she....what would he think and she hadnt made the move. . And they had parted
                    This incidence would flash in a moment when she would be in a meeting or a party or was taking a walk with the girls. What went suddenly wrong when life would seem very promising ? She had no answers for the void that Rohit had left. He hadn't come even once after shifting. Well, but now here he was, in front of her in flesh and blood and what was that liplock meant to be ? He didn't give her time to think further and took her in his arms. They didn't speak through the long drive to his house. His one hand on the wheel, the other holding her. She had rested her head on his shoulders and didn't feel like speaking either.
                     The next morning brought her the reality of what she had done. To get physically involved before marriage, she couldn't digest the fact. She had fought the feeling many times before he left. What happened yesterday ? She was dazed. How could she feel happy about this ? Was it o.k. ? She came from a highly educated, cultured family. But somehow fulfilling the physical need with the person she loved to be with looked absolutely o.k. Was marriage necessary ? Rohit gave her that mischievous look and she sprang the question of marriage at him instead. He wanted her for life but like this, few days of separation and then moments of intense passion. She could not agree less. There was the thrill factor. But the agony remained
                           

The Getaway

                              The road looked to be going somewhere, not ending anywhere. I sat at the back of the Tavera. I loved to sit at the back all by myself, the view left by the vehicle and me was lovely to watch. It gave a feeling of moving ahead at the same time leaving things behind....fast (which didn't happen in day to day life... easily, that is 'the leaving part').
                           Strange, the women psyche clings to unwanted stories. I had graduated towards 'unclinging' but at times there were some silly things that I got stuck to. And then I took trips like this. The shining black/grey tar road sort of functioned the 'let go' phenomenon. I was big time into reading the 'Speaking tree' in the TOI, Khalil Gibran and othere philosophical things off late. Well, the song 'Bailamos' played which matched the mood. Enrique's voice was as usual mesmerising. I was there on the Dance Floor, grooving to the beats, each step matching the music. Heavenly ? My friend woke me up from my reverie and we both asked the driver to stop the vehicle.  Got down and seeing no one on the road did some crazy steps. We loved to do such  nutty things. '....it is like forever...tonight we dance, like no tomorrow...', the singer crooned. How true ? There's no tomorrow. We both agreed. and returned to our seats. The Spanish words did magic to the ears. Brought back memories of the song I sang in one of those 'Youth workshops', where after the Industrial visits, Mushroom projects, Fisheries etc. two hours in the evening was reserved for 'Entertainment/Talent Exposure'.Well I took the mike although a bit nervous and sang Madonna's 'La Isla Bonita'. Oh ! My ! Immediately attracted the attention of two guys who met later, to say 'You sing nice...have a good voice, diction etc.' One even proposed ! saying something like,'Hey ! I am two years your junior but I am ready to marry'. ??? Excuse Me ! Me and marriage ! I had exclaimed and anyway he didn't appeal to me. Not my taste at all.
                               Well.... few years laer, one more guy.......Hey this journey was getting interesting with my memory helping me to overcome the boredom. Well one more guy had got upset that I didn't accept the 'gift' he gave. Well, I was o.k. with his company although we had met for just three days but gift ?? Eek ! That was too personal. Hmm ! All the attention I got in my 20's, and post 20....well, was kind of sweet. 'Screech...' the vehicle took an abrupt stop which kind of upset my train of thoughts. It was irritating. Sally said,'Are you ok J ?'. For some reason she loved to call people by initials, may be she was lazy or crazy, could be both for sure.'Yup' I said and slid back into my 'hands crossed behind head" posture. Where was I ? Yes, the attention part.
                               Well, 'You, I met in my mid thirty's. You were (and are) a pain actually. I liked you (loved you) but I didn't want to adjust the way the usual lovers do. How boring to leave one's freedom ??? just because you love someone? No not me. Well actually I never told you that I loved you. You haven't said that too but somehow its like 'better left unsaid' status. Status...Isn't that word the social networking sites want to know about you every moment ? Well at times I feel like writing 'You' there in the 'What's on your mind'  section. How strange life can be, with us going on about our work till we meet after some time. Its painful actually to meet without letting each other know. "J, why don't you tell him?' Sally's voice booms all of a sudden from nowhere. And silly, how can she pry into my inner thinking like this ? Well not the first time though, so I have got used to it and I am o.k. with this one creature on earth, i.e. I can spend myself with her anytime, anywhere, anylong...'I don't want to', I tell my chum.
Why?
It will spoil the show Sally.
What show J ?
I mean this show that we both put on, of being normal people, normal dialogues, normal moments at the same time, our eyes communicating entirely different things.
Like what J ?
Oh ! you devil. I'll kill you. I won't tell that. That's mine. Completely mine. Won't disclose that to you for sure.
'Hopeless romantic', sighs Sally.
Actually not hopeless Sally, hopeful....of the day, time, space when we shall meet may be not. But there is hope that makes all this so beautiful. So let me get soaked in it, o.k. silly ?....And I doze off to my Utopia.









                 

Where's my Neo counter vanished ?

                        Its baffling. The technology can drive you nuts. After fidgeting with a couple of instructions like cut and paste url stuff...I was running out of time anyway, I stopped.  Will try later. Any help of course is welcome:)
                   Liked the dialogue 'Do tarah key aadmi hotey hai...achcha aadmi/bura aadmi...' in 'My name is Khan'. Made me think about the recent deaths of young students in the Pune Bakery blasts. The plight of a parent who unconditionally love their offspring, a kind of love unmatched, pure..and then suddenly one day finds that the being who they called their son or daughter is no more, is unfathomabele. A life which has barely started, to meet its end mid-way is very unfortunate. Its very difficult to endure certain things for which one can't find any answer for 'WHY ?' Hats of to all those Hindu-Muslim couples who not only tied the knot but are rearing their offsprings with a firm base of only "Humanity'. The Mumbai couple who refused to tick the caste/religion of their child in the form for Birth certificate saying they wanted their child to decide its religion is laudable. May the crowd grow !

The right words

                I just kept the phone down. And thought of the innumerable things I could have spoken, but didn't. How strange that later you get all the words right, appropriate for the situation which if you would have used. might have got the result you wanted. Never mind ! said the inner being which resides as if in oblivion, but nevertheless springs up at times. Well why does it happen, am yet to find out.
                        Caught unaware, a call that you are not expecting, puts you off gear. Well you have a choice of not taking it if you don't want to. But...you do anyway, on an impulse as if its a moral responsibility to take every call...Oh ! this unwired cell world ! I sent an sms and the person immediately called !! Not that I didn't want to take the call. But then couldn't speak in the natural way I do usually.
                 What does it take to put forth the real 'you' irrespective of the people, the situation ? Why do we become selective/defensive when it comes to projecting ourselves ? Why does the approval of 'other' matter ? I liked what I read somewhere...'Its o.k. to be hated for what I am than be loved for what I am not'.

If only...

           she called, thought Ayush. Ritika and Ayush had tied the knot an year before. Five years of courtship had finally led them to the altar. Ritika had just left a note that she was going out and he be assured that she would be o.k. Now that was something which was very unlike her. She didn't go all by herself anywhere, i.e. unknown to him. She would call him up to say where she was. All hows and whys clouded his otherwise clear thinking. He tried reminiscing about any verbal exchanges they had past week...
                  She was a radio jockey, he was a doctor, a bit serious one at that. He was dedicated to his work.Like he was to her. He was like that. He sort of picked one thing at a time to pour out everything of his into that...He was intense. And she had to have variety to spice up her life. She could make the things he thought serious, lighter to handle. She wanted people, and he wanted only her. She had found that very sweet indeed. Which girl wouldn't ? Till they got married. Ayush would often call her out in the midst of a conversation that she was having with, during the weekly social visits at their friends. They had common friends. And Ritika wished he joined the group. Nope. He was not the one to talk though. Once she had asked how come he was so cool about everything. Some friends and her had been discussing about the cops rounding off couples now that the Valentine Day was approaching. Ayush would say, ' If only by talking if we had solutions, then probably I would do that'. She would get disappointed. Then that means one need not voice out anything ?? Well she couldn't at least. And they would have fight over his non socialising and her need to connect with others, over his not being vocal about anything and she voicing everything. She was not the gregarious kind though. Strange but true still they loved each other enough to go crazy. Big time opposites in love. Well they had sort of got used to these fights which would shoot the adrenalin high and then they would be their own sweet selves after sometime. The fights didn't last. They made up fast. They couldn't do without each other.
                           Then where was she ? Ayush was frantic with worry. And dammit what guts she had to leave a note like that. He knew she wanted solitude at times. Crazy she was. Once whe would like company and the other moment she would beg to be literally alone. Yesterday ! yes, something had happened....Ayush couldn't place it though. He had come home early, opened the latch and found her engrossed on the laptop. She hadn't gotten up to hug him the way she did everytime he came home.  He had stealthily gone behind her and she hadn't even known ! She had yelled at him. And she had hurriedly closed the site on the net. Then they had laughed heartily. That's all he could remember. Yes but why had she closed down the system with a hurried look / Was she in some kind of cyber...Oh no ! He rang up her best friend. He hated doing this, a very private person that he was. Shital answered. 'Ritika, no she's not here. Hey ! are you home early today ?' He managed to mumble some suitable answer. He sat doing nothing for about an hour. May be she will come back. I really need not worry, He thought...about the night when she had gone all alone at around 11, after they had argued about something silly. He fretted inside but didn't go after her. She came back around 12. and they sort of made up. Sometimes even he would think 'This's a price to pay to stay committed'. But he had had enough of wanderings till he had found her. Like some signal that said 'Stop'. He had vowed to make the 'together' journey pleasant and fulfulling. What happened then ?
                  There was a knock on the door. He sprang to his feet. There she was...cool, nonplussed. The first emotion he had for her was anger, but he kept to himself. 'Where did you go? And why didn't you call me ?' She didn't answer, plonked herself on the bean bag instead. Well Ayush, I needed a break. 'Break from what Ritika ?' 'I was so used to living as I wanted to, on my own terms and now that's something I was missing. For once I didn't want to 'inform' anyone and to do what I wanted without being judged or something.' 'Well that's being plain irresponsible'. 'I left a note'. 'But....Ayush didn't complete the sentence. 'May I know where did you go then?' She said she had been to a movie. He stood baffled...picked up a cushion and threw at her with full force. Rest you can imagine...

Delusion

          Julia was sitting in the park. She had done an unusual thing today. She had cancelled all her appointments. She wanted an answer. An answer from herself. Not from him. It was getting crazier day by day. Perfectly normal days would get thrown out of gear everytime she was in his company. This was insanity. 'How can I get so emotional ?' she thought. This was not the first time....
                       She had met Ritchi (Richard) at Suzan's house. He was her cousin. It was the reapeated meetings with Suzan that she got acquainted with him more often. He was going steady, Suzan said. Julia couldn't care less. She had her own things she had to focus on. Life was good. One day at the party Ritchie hosted for his birthday, he did something that started all this 'feelings factory' as Julia liked to call that. He had invited her. She had come to like his unusual ideas about life, his child like enthusiasm on everything and he was likeable stuff. Plus he had a taste...'taste for the best in everything'. He could go to any length for example to get that perfect Brownie. So everyone consulted him when it came to food or getaways or just anything. Sometimes she felt he had the bug inside him that made him suggest 'the best' just about anything. He had read some of the things she wrote and liked them. He encouraged her too. One day on his birthday, when he had suggested to her about the best book to read, she was startled. 'I mean he could have suggested any book in the world but why this ?' Oh ! she loved books and to share the same book....Anyways he started talking about the protagonist and Julia wanted to stop him. He was very talkative and he went on airing his opinion. Sometimes whe wished he shut up. He wouldn't. He was cocky at times. Arrogant too. But he had the charisma to make people like him. She left the party disturbed. She had started to like him. She was afraid of herself. Days went by and she had met Elen his girlfriend too. Julia was surprised at his choice though.
                     She looked for the meaning of the word 'delusion'. Right. Believing things that were untrue with intensity that yes it is true. She had to stop herself from believing that she was in love with him and vice versa. She saw a squirrel struggling with a leaf. How simple life could be for this four legged-one tailed animal ? She couldn't do it i.e. stop herself from thinking about him. She had been busy last fifteen days thinking nothing but work work and work when she bumped into him yesterday and the mind started working overtime. How does one control emotions ? She was where she was because of her emotional involvement with her work. But he was all flesh and blood, not some abstract object. To get emotionally involved with him was not proving anything. She got up. She decided she would tell him she liked him. That's it. She called him.
'Hey Julia what's up ?' he asked. 'Nothing special Rich'. 'So what does our lady want to speak ?' 'You', she said. 'What ?' he asked. 'You. I love you. I had enough of this dilly dallying with myself Rich, I don't care what you think about me. I know you have Ellen but that doesn't change anything about what I feel about you.' There she felt so light as if she had the moral responsibility of saying those three words and she had done it. 'Julia, let's meet and talk.' He said. 'Wow' he didn't get upset or anything ! Wants to meet. What the heck ? I'll go prepared for his 'No'. All I wanted for him to know, I did. Rest doesn't matter. I'll take care. I can handle.' She was elated.

                        

No mind

tr...That state of delicious moment when thought ceases to exist. Calm, peace, tranquility. You get it when you close your eyes and concentrate on the bird's chatter or the sound of the breeze, waves.....Sometimes listening to the stillness around matters a lot-the calmness inside the four walls of your dwelling especially in the afternoon or the silence that accompanies night. The wide expanse of the beach...the endless stretch which overwhelms the impunity of the mind...thoughts. Who said,'we think so we are'? It should be 'we feel so we are'.